Get Unstuck

From time to time, many of us struggle with holding onto feelings arising from not-so-helpful thoughts. Maybe you did not get the promotion you believe that you deserve and can't seem to shake feelings of sadness and shame. Maybe you were blindsided by a co-worker in a meeting and are holding onto feelings of anger and frustration. Maybe you are fed up and feeling hopeless about the complexities of dating. Whatever the scenario, getting stuck in a funk can happen, but you may have more control over your mood than you think. 

How do feelings become funks?

Let's look at the promotion that you deserve and didn't get. The act of not getting promoted may precipitates thoughts–This is so unfair. What is wrong with me? I am never going to make it. I try so hard and nothing ever goes my way. Why do I try? These thoughts stem from our unique interpretation(s) of the event (not getting promoted) which can quickly activate feelings like sadness, anger, and shame. Our feelings may then trigger behaviors/behavioral urges such as isolation, replaying the event(s) (a repeat track), and/or wanting to numb/bury the feelings (over/under eating, over/under sleeping, over drinking, over smoking, over working, over ____ (fill in the blank) ). Acting on unhealthy behavioral urges, by the way, activates more thoughts which become more feelings–think guilt, anger, sadness, and/or disgust. This ripple effect can seem immediate, so awareness of this cycle may be neglected, leaving the funk to thrive.

What to do?

"Opposite Action" is a Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) technique developed by Dr. Marcia Linehan. It can be helpful in getting unstuck from a mood or feeling(s) stemming from unproductive or maladaptive thoughts. (In the promotion example above, the maladaptive thoughts– I'm NEVER going to make it. Nothing ever goes my way. This Always happens to me.– are examples of "all or nothing thinking" and "jumping to conclusions.") The theory suggests that if you want to change your emotional experience, doing an action that is the opposite of your behavioral urge (not to be confused with ignoring/avoiding/invalidating your feelings) may be helpful.  Instead of isolating in the bedroom when feeling sadness and shame, getting active by connecting with others might change your feelings which ripple into more productive behaviors and thoughts.

Let's look at the blindsiding co-worker scenario. I thought we were friends. I can't trust this person. How could s/he do that to me?–are a few thought examples stemming from one's interpretation of the event (being blindsided by co-worker). These thoughts may activate feelings like anger and frustration which stimulate the behavioral urge to yell at and tell that co-worker where to go. Acting on these urges may not be very effective (especially in a work meeting), so an opposite action might be to implement a more productive behavioral response–centering through mindfulness (e.g. using the concept of acceptance vs. approval). This opposite action may change your mood and may even impact the disposition of your colleague(s).  After the meeting, while in a calm and grounded state of mind, scheduling a private conversation with the blindsiding co-worker might be in order. 

Lastly, being fed up with the complexities of dating in San Francisco (deserves a post of its own) may precipitate thoughts–I'm never going to find someone. Why do I put myself through this?–which may lead to feelings of anger, frustration, and sadness. The behavioral urge to delete all of your dating apps, smash your phone/devices, and cancel your trip with friends may seem the way to go when stuck on these thoughts, but it is probably not the wisest route. Instead, centering the self (more mindfulness activities) and heading on that trip with friends may just pull you out of the funk, as well as provide you with a bit of a breather from "the scene." 

Up for a challenge?

Next time you find yourself getting stuck in a self-sabotaging thought pattern (I always mess up. I not good enough.) try the opposite approach by injecting a dose of self-compassion–I might have messed this up, but I am still valuable. I am doing my best. I am enough. 

If you have been back burner-ing something(s) in your life which is/are preventing you from getting back on your path, get active (opposite action of back burner-ing) in addressing them. Talking with a professional(s) like your MD, a therapist, coach, etc. (person-specific depending on your needs) may provide you with additional support and resources to help you meet your goals. You might notice that helping yourself will have a positive ripple in many areas of your life.

Don't Bring Her Down

“OMG! What is she wearing?”

I wasn’t familiar with the term “horizontal oppression” until graduate school, but I had witnessed and experienced its effects as a woman in the world. Oppression theory can be complicated, but for the purposes of this post, I will attempt to simplify.

Horizontal oppression occurs when one subordinate social group (in this case women) marginalizes another/other member(s) of the same social group (in this case women). This continues the cycle of oppression by perpetuating stereotypes, beliefs, and discrimination by the dominate group (in this case men), and social justice and equality are impaired. Basically, it means that we women are bringing each other down.

For many, it begins in elementary school when cliques begin to form and negative comments on the dress, physical appearance, and behaviors of "the other girl(s)"—usually outside of the clique—become a norm. Technology and social media may complicate things further serving as another venue for ridicule before and after school hours. Sadly, oppression does not seem to lesson with age, but it grows and may worsen throughout female identity development.  

In high school and college, clubs and social groups like sororities may feed a skin-deep focus. Exchanges with peers about the "perfect" body and image —“Does this make me look fat?” "Does she think that actually looks good on her?" "She is not the type that will fit in our group..."—are not uncommon. Assumptions about the sexuality and dating patterns of others (she is sexually active so she must be ____(fill with a negative judgement); she is not sexually active so she must be____ (fill with negative judgement)) may amplify behaviors like gossip, exclusion, and shaming—think Mean Girls. These unkind acts can erode a young woman's self-esteem, confidence, and overall sense of self.

Passive-aggressive and bullying behaviors can persist in the working world. Women may place higher demands on female co-workers vs. their male counterparts. Witnessing and/or participating in those familiar elementary school critiques (“can you believe she is wearing that to work?") and assumptions internalized along the way (she is probably using her sexuality to get what she wants) might become second nature. If we are strong and assertive, we may fear being labeled as something cold and frigid—yet feminine—like an "ice queen/princess" which may prevent us from using our voices and going for that promotion. Perceiving "the other women" in the office as "catty," "emotional," and "girlie" (more stereotypes) can reinforce a preference to work for/with men and may force us to conceal parts of self with which we may identify. Without realizing it, our participation in horizontal oppression becomes self-sabotage, as it perpetuates the dominate group’s beliefs/stereotypes about women. We may be left frustrated and deflated as the corporate ladder continues to be unevenly male-dominated. 

Motherhood may not always be that kumbaya-ish sisterhood we imagined when we joined the Mommy and Me class. The neighborhood parks and schools may feel split with judgments between the stay-at-home moms (“how selfish that she doesn't have time for her own children!"), the working-outside-of-home moms (“what does she do all day while her kids are in school?"), and the part-time-working-outside-of-home moms (“I feel so torn like I can’t do anything well!”). There are many decisions to explore as a parent, so criticisms from "the other mom(s)" about things like birthing plans (epidural vs. no medication), feeding plans (the breastfeeding vs. bottle feeding), and sleeping plans (the Ferber Method vs. The No Cry Sleep Solution) can be overwhelming and just exhausting. We may be left confused as we question our choices as a parents. As a result, feelings of incompetence—including guilt and shame—surface and self-esteem and sense of self are further fractured.

Why do we do it?

There are many reasons for horizontal oppression. We continue to live in a highly male-influenced society in which female stereotypes are internalized by girls who grow to be women. We may fear ridicule if we don't align with beliefs about traditional female roles, but also if we do (known as a "double bind," or damned if you do, damned if you don't), so disparaging others when when we are feeling insecure and confused may make us feel better about our choices. Also, with few women in leadership roles—hopefully, this is beginning to change— competition in the workplace for these posts is not surprising.

What can we do now?

Awareness

Change begins with awareness. Being mindful of our feelings and our behaviors toward each other can be a place to start. Pausing before acting by asking questions—Why am I feeling this way? Why do I have an urge to act this way?— can be helpful. Children learn from their parents/caregivers, so we must be cognizant of our words and actions by modeling the change we would like to see.  

Refusal

We don't have to participate. Whether it is in the office or at a social gathering with girlfriends, we can choose not to engage in the gossip, judgments, exclusion, and shaming. We can speak up and bring awareness to others who might not realize that they are contributing to marginalization. We can use social media in constructive ways vs. destructive ways. We can encourage and support one another to stop the suffering. 

Education

Once we have awareness and understanding, we can spread our knowledge. Starting early with children (all genders) is an ideal introduction point. Providing a safe space for female students to express thoughts and feelings about these issues via process, support, and educational groups (facilitated by professionals) is important. Firm school policies to quell oppressive behaviors promote inclusive, empowering cultures—an example, Seth's Law, was implemented in 2012 to protect California public school students from bullying. Because oppression begins with the dominant social group (in this case men), it is not just the job of women to transcend and mend the divides of marginalization. Working together with our male allies (in politics/government, media, education, the workplace) can help us to address our concerns and precipitate change.  

Empowerment

We know that our society does not always seem to cultivate female empowerment, but at times deprives us by reinforcing separation (SEE most reality tv). Connecting with and supporting other women we trust, admire, and with whom we can be our genuine selves is important. Our involvement in groups (support, leadership, parenting, etc.) can help us give a voice(s) to the dilemmas which women continue to face. Paying it forward by sharing our strengths, talents, and connections with others can also promote empowerment.  Finally, being authentically you can be the most influential of all.

Are You a Juggler?

I know many of us work so hard to balance all of the obligations that we have acquired (maybe by choice or maybe not). Attempts to cross off or delete to-dos from a list that seems to go on forever can be exhausting and depleting. On top of the roles we juggle (employee, student, parent, friend, child, sibling, etc.), our society seems to feed the ego’s never-ending wanting and desire for instant gratification, so being connected (via social media and all of our devices) and striving for more is pretty much the norm. How can we enjoy the fruits of our life’s labors if we are constantly distracted with all of this? It has been my experience that one can’t truly enjoy something if one is not actually present. 

Practicing mindfulness can be helpful in reducing depressive, anxiety, and other psychological distress symptoms (as well as a variety of other things). It focuses on the moment with awareness, without judgment, and with acceptance (note: acceptance is different from approval; this is for another post). If we are fully present, we may enjoy moments with ourselves and our loved ones more.  

So how?  

You don’t have to travel to India or go on a 2 month long silent retreat to live in the moment (how amazing to do this, of course, but this may not be an option for most us juggling folks). There are ways in which you can incorporate mindfulness into your life (both formally and informally), and there are many mindfulness and meditation resources in the Bay Area...Yes, there are apps for your devices, too.

Up for a challenge?  

Do a task that you normally consider mundane and focus on it mindfully. For example, if you are folding the laundry, don’t watch tv while you are doing it (multitasking, by the way, is the opposite of mindfulness). Focus your attention and senses (all 5) on the art of folding the laundry. Be aware of any judgements that come up and/or if your mind begins wandering from the experience. Attempt to focus back on the senses when your mind gets off track. Reflect on the experience (what did you learn? how did/do you feel?). 

I have found young children (not connected to a device) to be very mindful. Next time you are with your child/a child, observe what they notice. Maybe they stop to look at and describe something that they find on the sidewalk, or maybe you witness them studying the drops of rain on the car window. If you are up for another exercise, try to play with your child(ren) mindfully by setting boundaries for yourself (no phone, no multitasking when playing). I do understanding that this can be difficult when you are juggling, but this small gesture may provide you with a deeper connection, because you are fully present.